Thursday, July 21, 2005
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
twopeasinabucket.com rocks!!
I just love 2ps! It is such a viable source of information!! You not only get to shop, have a minute by minute ever changing gallery to view. But you get to meet such great people! I am one that loves people and try not to pass up the chance to talk if I can. Sometimes too much, LOL.
I am so impressed with the talent that is there. Simply amazing! So inspiring. Who needs any magazines? Not I!! I know that there is alot of other peas who feel the same way.
I feel so blessed to be filled with such a passion to scrap. I could be addicted to drinking, drugs, or God knows what. But instead I fill my life with Scrapbooking. When I am having a bad day at work I scrap. That way my Family, Friend and Myself gain from my addiction and not suffer or lose anything because of it! And for those of you who know me and my job...Truancy Coordinator. You know how stressed and emotionally attached I get to the kids I work with. Kids who don't have parents who are there for them, who care for them or even care if they are dead or alive. Cheese and Rice what is wrong with this world?
It is so heart breaking to me to see that their are people out there that only have kids because they don't want to work...and want to live off of welfare. What the hell is wrong with that picture people...who made you better than I? Why should I have to work my ars off to pay taxes so you can spend your welfare check on drugs and booze? Why should people like me have to clean up after your lifes mistakes? I am sorry this is another story!!! I do want to clarify that I do have lots of families that I work with that DO NOT fit in these categories!! I love all the kids no matter what their situation is. I will be there for them, guide them and care for them! I am so happy to have been blessed with the talent to scrap and be a good Mom! I don't know what I would do if I were to ever lose a limb? I would just want to die. Have visions in my head and not be able to scrap them, OMG!!
Back to 2ps! SORRY!! The site is like my second skin,LOL. I pea in the morning. I pea in the afternoon. I pea in the evening. I pea at night when I should be sleeping, LOL!! I swear you need a 12 step recovery program for this site! It is so addicting.
I am so impressed with 2ps...Kristina and Jeffrey! They have made a gold mine out of dust. Then you have the Garden Girls. OMG! I (and so many others) so have this (not so secret dream after this blog) dream to be a Garden Girl. And am so bummed to have missed the boat yet again! But just think for a moment ladies...Could you imagine being a Garden Girl? I mean really! Look at Marie Cox...OMG she is so friggin good! And she is loving her life right now! She has it all...Beauty, kindness and the Artistic ability to impress so many people. She is SO worthy of this title!! Marie you know I love your work. I can't wait to see more of your work. You are such a sweetheart! There are so many GG that are inspiring I can't mention them all! Thanks ladies for all that you do.
I am on one DT at this moment. And it is wonderful! It is more than just a design team position to me! I have gotten to know the gals so well. It feels like we are a family. And that is so comforting! It is always great to work with people that you like and get along with. Because you love your job so much more. The happier you are the better quality work you put out! Kind of works in a few different ways doesn't it? Friends/family, work, so much more!
Blah, blah, blah...Boy I just keep on going and going don't I?!? Oh well its my blog and I'm sticking to it!
So if anyone is currently looking for a new Design Team Member please contact me I am ready and willing!!
Ro Out!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Big Sister
Cailey (big sister) holding Madelyn. I love this photo of them. Looks much better IRL! It was such a great shot too. Cailey didn't know I even took it. She was posiing earlier for a different shot and I snuck this one in. Its amazing how much love is there immediately when they are born isn't it! I should say before birth too!
Cailey is adjusting well to not being the "baby" any more. She is a very helpful and so I have been told an almost too helpful big sister, LOL. I had all 4 girls the other night and saw first hand what my sister said! OMG the 3 older sisters were by her side the ENTIRE time they were here.
They spent the night and I really enjoyed having a baby around again! Even if she was up every hour on the hour. I did get a little break...she slept for 2 hours one time. My sister was amazed because she says she has been going to bed around 9:30 and waking up at about 4:30-5:30 then back to sleep until 9. What a good baby she is. So quite and so petite. We all love her very much! LOL Can you tell?!
Cailey (big sister) holding Madelyn. I love this photo of them. Looks much better IRL! It was such a great shot too. Cailey didn't know I even took it. She was posiing earlier for a different shot and I snuck this one in. Its amazing how much love is there immediately when they are born isn't it! I should say before birth too!
Cailey is adjusting well to not being the "baby" any more. She is a very helpful and so I have been told an almost too helpful big sister, LOL. I had all 4 girls the other night and saw first hand what my sister said! OMG the 3 older sisters were by her side the ENTIRE time they were here.
They spent the night and I really enjoyed having a baby around again! Even if she was up every hour on the hour. I did get a little break...she slept for 2 hours one time. My sister was amazed because she says she has been going to bed around 9:30 and waking up at about 4:30-5:30 then back to sleep until 9. What a good baby she is. So quite and so petite. We all love her very much! LOL Can you tell?!
Skate Park FunHere are some pics from the other day at the skate park. The pics immediately above are Matt (with skate board in air), Jesse (my youngest)bottom right, Jon (my oldest) and Matt top right.
The top photos are Matt top right, Jon bottom left, Matt in air again and looks like Sterling in the background (neighbor kid).
The kids had a blast watching & getting pointers from Matt. Thanks Matt you are RAWKIN!! You are a great inspiration to the boys.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
OMG Winter CHA is in Las Vegas! Hell ya!! Let the good times roll!!!!
Hey do you know that you can get a divorce in Vegas for like $26. hmmmmm! I love Las Vegas...I can't wait for this Trade Show! I will definetly be making this one a few days longer than Chicago! Hmmm wonder who I should take with me?
Oh I bet Shirley will be going! She lives in California. Hey girl less cost for a plane ride. If any. Can't wait to meet you IRL! Thanks for keeping me on. For those of you who don't know Shirley she is the owner of TheScrapbookstand! I was just asked to stay on the DT. I originally signed the contract for 6mo. I am soooo grateful you kept me on girl! I just love ya. And the stuff, well you know how I feel about it!
Well what a odd day. But good. Family came to town for the day. And yes Baby Madelyn was here too! Yeah. I enjoyed visiting with all. Grandparents brought turkey and all the trimmings to my sistas house.
I of course being the lover of photography had to take a small shoot of Madelyn Jane...I hope they turn out ok? I did all with my Canon Rebel SLR. No digi yet with that one. Just the freebie HP. Will post some when I get film back.
Took the boys to the skate park and we met this really nice kid named Matt. The kids were so impressed with this guy because he had a "sponsor" they kept saying. LOL. It was so cute. Anyhow he is from Alberta, Canada I think he said. I took a few pics of him boarding. They looked cool so I hope they turn out ok too? He is here filming a movie for/with his team. Which when the boys heard that were like...way cool dude, ya like rawk on! Hehehehe! Very nice kid...gave something for the boys to idolize for a little while and maybe some motivation to really get out there and try. Matt and I told them that is the only way you can learn. He was sweet enough to give the kids some pointers on alot of stuff. Thanks Matt-You Rawk! Told him I would email him the pics. Told me he would reply with a totally rad pic of him doing some sort of trick (the boys would know the name, hehehe not me) and that it was one from the guy films and is the photographer for his team. And that if I wanted to use any of the pics for LO's and if they got requested for any calls that was OK! Thanks Matt! How sweet!
Gotta get to bed all
Ro Out.................
Hey do you know that you can get a divorce in Vegas for like $26. hmmmmm! I love Las Vegas...I can't wait for this Trade Show! I will definetly be making this one a few days longer than Chicago! Hmmm wonder who I should take with me?
Oh I bet Shirley will be going! She lives in California. Hey girl less cost for a plane ride. If any. Can't wait to meet you IRL! Thanks for keeping me on. For those of you who don't know Shirley she is the owner of TheScrapbookstand! I was just asked to stay on the DT. I originally signed the contract for 6mo. I am soooo grateful you kept me on girl! I just love ya. And the stuff, well you know how I feel about it!
Well what a odd day. But good. Family came to town for the day. And yes Baby Madelyn was here too! Yeah. I enjoyed visiting with all. Grandparents brought turkey and all the trimmings to my sistas house.
I of course being the lover of photography had to take a small shoot of Madelyn Jane...I hope they turn out ok? I did all with my Canon Rebel SLR. No digi yet with that one. Just the freebie HP. Will post some when I get film back.
Took the boys to the skate park and we met this really nice kid named Matt. The kids were so impressed with this guy because he had a "sponsor" they kept saying. LOL. It was so cute. Anyhow he is from Alberta, Canada I think he said. I took a few pics of him boarding. They looked cool so I hope they turn out ok too? He is here filming a movie for/with his team. Which when the boys heard that were like...way cool dude, ya like rawk on! Hehehehe! Very nice kid...gave something for the boys to idolize for a little while and maybe some motivation to really get out there and try. Matt and I told them that is the only way you can learn. He was sweet enough to give the kids some pointers on alot of stuff. Thanks Matt-You Rawk! Told him I would email him the pics. Told me he would reply with a totally rad pic of him doing some sort of trick (the boys would know the name, hehehe not me) and that it was one from the guy films and is the photographer for his team. And that if I wanted to use any of the pics for LO's and if they got requested for any calls that was OK! Thanks Matt! How sweet!
Gotta get to bed all
Ro Out.................
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Chicago here we come...yeah baby!
I am so excited about CHA this weekend! I wasn't going to go. Then I was. Then, well lets say its just been a toss up. What finalized the decision was that a gal from 2ps had said she just signed a contract to write her own book. She credited it to going to winter CHA. She said she never would have gotten it if she had not gone.
Now I know not to expect a great thing like that but I can certainly try. Plus I am so excited about the PUBSTERS DINNER!! OMG it sounds like there is going to be about 100-110 pubsters. There is a number of gals that I would really like to meet IRL! They are such great supporters and inspirations to us all at 2ps. Thanks gals you rock.
Any tips ladies let me know I sure could use some! This will be my first CHA! Marie thanks for the help earlier...Hey all she is one of the new GG! She is so Worthy of this position!!!! Congrats girl! Ginger I hope to meet you as well! Can't wait to get there.
LOL I will be the one walking the floor looking like this :O Uh, what do I do? It is going to be sooooo overwhelming. So much larger than I thought by the sound of it. Rawk on dude!!!! Thats even better, right.
I am so excited about CHA this weekend! I wasn't going to go. Then I was. Then, well lets say its just been a toss up. What finalized the decision was that a gal from 2ps had said she just signed a contract to write her own book. She credited it to going to winter CHA. She said she never would have gotten it if she had not gone.
Now I know not to expect a great thing like that but I can certainly try. Plus I am so excited about the PUBSTERS DINNER!! OMG it sounds like there is going to be about 100-110 pubsters. There is a number of gals that I would really like to meet IRL! They are such great supporters and inspirations to us all at 2ps. Thanks gals you rock.
Any tips ladies let me know I sure could use some! This will be my first CHA! Marie thanks for the help earlier...Hey all she is one of the new GG! She is so Worthy of this position!!!! Congrats girl! Ginger I hope to meet you as well! Can't wait to get there.
LOL I will be the one walking the floor looking like this :O Uh, what do I do? It is going to be sooooo overwhelming. So much larger than I thought by the sound of it. Rawk on dude!!!! Thats even better, right.
Out on the town with some girl FRNZ.OMG do you just love my face! Sheesh. The camera man couldn't see us in the digi cam and didn't figure it out so I just said "just press the damn button and then you'll see us" We had smiled and waited, smiled and waited to get this shot. Poor guy!! I look like a real Biotch! Sheesh what bummer. Oh well the fun we had was worth it!!;)
Right girls! Hey was that a prego girl hip pop dancin or what, holy prego belly! Will not forget that sight! OMG I never would have even been in a bar while in her position. What the hell was she and her man thinking? Hmmmm thats small town USA for you! ROFLOL!! Hey girls do you think people thought we were weird-the bathroom stall, hahahahahha!!!!! Too funny! What would our hubbies think?? Prolly what a bunch of efferz! Oh well.
Say *#@!#%!I was Out with the Girls...and some of the guys, lol. This is Martina (L) Me (M) and Sara(R) We had a blast! Drinking, dancing, singing and just what ever our hearts desired! I said "bleep" my clients if they judge me for having fun! Because this is the first time I had gone out in over a year! (in this county that is, lol) I am still a person. I am only human people! I too like to go have a good time with friends. I can't be perfect all the time. And I am of age I shouldn't have to feel guilty for going out on the town once in a while. I still do an excellent job and I am not the kids I work with that are not of age and need the guidance!
Holy Bat Woman who was that Masked Man?
LOL! Don't know who the man in the middle is. But he talked Sara's ear off! Seemed like everytime we turned he was right there pestering her again. She says he was fine and wasn't bothering her. But I think she is alot like me... When someone is annoying the hell out of me I am polite and won't really tell them that. I'll just keep putting up with the BS! Well-sometimes, LOL! I was told I am a very confrontational person. I will stand up for my rights or what I feel is right and what I believe in! Most of the time. I can think of a number of things I am not right now. If you can't guess maybe you should read my blog(journal) more clearly! Hmmm was that a bit confrontational, LOL! Oh this is Sara and her husband...the guy in the middle? Minus the middle guy don't they make a great looking couple! Awww Sweeeet!
Sunday, July 10, 2005
It's Sunday! Arghhhh
Back to work tomorrow! I am burnt out I guess! Just needed this weekend to last alot longer!
Well I had a good day yesterday. Always nice to get caught up with some things. Also did lots of thinking. Hmmmm good bad and the ugly, ha! Driving always helps. I love to get in the vehicle and just drive somewhere...anywhere. Lots of times I spend so much time thinking I don't even remember driving from point A to B. Scary sometimes, you know traffic and such. Hmmm.
I definetly got plenty of road time in. It was nice to just do what ever I wanted to do. Something I never do. But thats what single parenting does I guess, takes all your time.
TO DO LIST
1. Soak up some rays for a couple hours
2. Listen to some slammin music while I soak up some rays
3. Think-Search
4. Forget about all the negative energy surrounding me right now! Damn!
5. Scrap cause there is so stinkin many deadlines I need to get on and finish!
6. Find my mojo----LOL Mojito where are you? Oh thats right your on 2ps,hehe.
7. Call someone I haven't spoke to in a while and let them know how much I miss them. pathetic I have to put calling friends on a list isn't it? Anyone else do it? Or am I the only freak who will admit it? I guess life will slow down when I die!
Still have the song in my head...Damn I can't get rid of it. Jessica helped a little yesterday though. You know the song...Over and over again. I can't go on not loving you...I think about it over and over again...I can't shake it no I can't stop thinking it over and over again cause its all in my head...can't wait to see you again to see if you have the same look in your eyes when you look at me....ok maybe Jessica is going to take over now? Are you ready boots- lets go! All right ....I need to walk onto the dock, uh huh! Can I get a sweeeeet. Can I get a Yeeee Haaawwwwwwww! ROFLOL!!!
Gotta check the other blogs and then tanning! Hmmmm Amber Nichole did you tell everyone your new job yet? Dang girl you are worthy of it! You friggin RAWK! Off to check your blog and see? Oooo I wonder what ipod music she has playing today? All American-Rejects was great girl.
Wendy, Jen, Brandy....any updates?
Peace Out
Back to work tomorrow! I am burnt out I guess! Just needed this weekend to last alot longer!
Well I had a good day yesterday. Always nice to get caught up with some things. Also did lots of thinking. Hmmmm good bad and the ugly, ha! Driving always helps. I love to get in the vehicle and just drive somewhere...anywhere. Lots of times I spend so much time thinking I don't even remember driving from point A to B. Scary sometimes, you know traffic and such. Hmmm.
I definetly got plenty of road time in. It was nice to just do what ever I wanted to do. Something I never do. But thats what single parenting does I guess, takes all your time.
TO DO LIST
1. Soak up some rays for a couple hours
2. Listen to some slammin music while I soak up some rays
3. Think-Search
4. Forget about all the negative energy surrounding me right now! Damn!
5. Scrap cause there is so stinkin many deadlines I need to get on and finish!
6. Find my mojo----LOL Mojito where are you? Oh thats right your on 2ps,hehe.
7. Call someone I haven't spoke to in a while and let them know how much I miss them. pathetic I have to put calling friends on a list isn't it? Anyone else do it? Or am I the only freak who will admit it? I guess life will slow down when I die!
Still have the song in my head...Damn I can't get rid of it. Jessica helped a little yesterday though. You know the song...Over and over again. I can't go on not loving you...I think about it over and over again...I can't shake it no I can't stop thinking it over and over again cause its all in my head...can't wait to see you again to see if you have the same look in your eyes when you look at me....ok maybe Jessica is going to take over now? Are you ready boots- lets go! All right ....I need to walk onto the dock, uh huh! Can I get a sweeeeet. Can I get a Yeeee Haaawwwwwwww! ROFLOL!!!
Gotta check the other blogs and then tanning! Hmmmm Amber Nichole did you tell everyone your new job yet? Dang girl you are worthy of it! You friggin RAWK! Off to check your blog and see? Oooo I wonder what ipod music she has playing today? All American-Rejects was great girl.
Wendy, Jen, Brandy....any updates?
Peace Out
Saturday, July 09, 2005
These boot are made for walking...and thats just what they'll do
Hell ya! Are you ready boots. Start walking. Yee Haw lets go! These boots are made for walking and one of these days these boots are going to walk all over you! Insert my sexy stride, sexy eyes and cowboy boots with a slammen bod like---> here and can I get a SWEEEEEEET, can I get a YEEEE HAAAWWWWWW! Can I get my daisy dukes.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BUY THIS CD-B would be so impressed with me listening to "country"-something I normally do not like...but this song RAWKS.
This is a great pick me up! This song RAWKS!!! And can I get a hell ya for Jessica who is frickin smokin HOT!! LOL I guess I better start working out again! Ha my fat ass can't look like this without some hard core discipline. And I can do it! Its scarry sometimes when I do work out....I like to go over the top sometimes. I don't think I could do 1000 situps a day anymore. I know I feel SO much better when I do though!
Hmmmmm I think I will start workin out with Carmen Electra again! She is good to work with! And let me tell you the lap dances with her are slammin! Definetly gets you pumped!
I needed I song like this to pick me up today! Damn I am in a awesome mood now! Even though I didn't get much sleep. I plan on being a beach bum and catching up with old friends today! Will be great to see them!
Have a great day all!
Ro out!
Its all in my head....I think about it over and over again.
I read a friends blog and thought about all the things she is going through. I feel for you girl! Mostly because we share so many of the same feelings. Congrats on the new house and I hope you have better days! You will grow from this and learn soooo much about yourself! I know you are having a tough time understanding that right now, its still early. I am thankful for all that I learned when I left Jon before.
And honestly girl all that I have heard for the last year is "I want a D" There I said it, I finally said it to the world. And it frickin kills me to say it!!! well screw it. Divorce me Jon! Cause I don't need you to be happy. I swear I was happier without him!! And I hate myself for putting myself back in the same position I was in years ago. Sometimes I think what the frickin hell was I thinking when I married him. In my head I KNEW what would happen. But in my heart of hearts I wanted to believe that he truly did love me and we would live this wonderful fairytale. And I still hang on to the hope, is that pathetic? I have always loved him. And I will love him for eternity whether I am with or without him.
OMG I remember the day I married him. I was so confused but so in love with him again. We married April 3 of last year.
You see how it was (the confusion)is that I had left Jon and was happy living a life without him. Even after all the horrible things he put me through! I hated him for along time. But after all we had been through I still loved him and always will. But I realized I need to move on with my life. I hadn't dated anyone for a year...to prove to Jon that I didn't need anyone to be happy. And I was so happy. I began spending time with someone special for a few months. I just felt that things were not what I had wanted. Didn't get the feeling that it would be "forever" you know? I wanted someone to LOVE me and say they did. Someone who could make a commitment and be in for the long haul. Don't think that was what the person was searching for. And I couldn't expect him to. Single hot male vs Single hot female mother of 2....hmmm doesn't take a brain scientist to figure that one out. I couldn't pressure anyone to do that if they didn't want it! He deserved more for his life than me. I realized I should move on. After that I had a couple months of alone time to do some thinking again. Soul searching, you know. (I also have to thank my Sorority Sista's for being there for me!!-miss ya'll and can't wait till September when we meet again!)Anyhow...
Then Jon showed up unexpectedly on my doorstep a few days before we married and said he realized what he needed to do, what he was missing, how much he loved us and wanted to be with us and be a family again. He said it would work this time...he promised that and many other things...hmmm to bad he hasn't followed through with the promises. He had said things many times before and I was strong and happy without him. I could say NO. but I believed him again. I said I wouldn't do anything unless he really changed his ways. He did change many things...and proved them...it wasn't alot just things that should have been done before. I didn't ask for much. My biggest issue before was that he refused to marry me before we split up. I always thought that he was waiting for someone better to come along-like effing "J" fucking please I don't know what he sees in her...she is the town effing slut! Oh and lets not forget an alcoholic too! Chees and Rice there is more to life than that!!! But you can have her Jon and trust me you'll be sorry,ROFLOL But whatever! Bottom line is that I jumped into things and maybe I shouldn't have? But I thought can I really "jump" into things with him if I had spent 12 years of my life with him. You know its not like it was I met someone and married him 4 days later. I felt it was ok.
I cried as we said our vows. I cried because I loved him SO FRICKEN much and I cried for the doubt I had. Bitter Sweet! I almost didn't do it. We were so in love for months. Then he started "slipping". The words I love you stopped coming, the sweet little gifts, the kind words, emotions and affection, everything. I began to wonder what had I done this time? Now I am lucky to get any comments that are not projected towards a fight or hurtful things.
He can be so cruel to the Kids and I. It seems like he spends his life hating us. He spends all his time thinking about how can he make more money, how can he be more productive at work, how to build a stronger/better business, building better friendships with OTHERS, hmmm there is alot of ? there, HA you ars. Well is the friggin shit going to be there when he dies. GOD he doesn't realize what he has. We are worthy. We are important. We are loving and caring. We are HIS FAMILY! I wish he could see that life isn't all about money and being better than everyone else. Because what does he think we will say when he dies? Gee I wish he would have worked more. Or man I wish he would have yelled more or told me I was fat more. All the things he does and says. Its all in my head and I think about it over and over again. I can't shake it. All this pain that you put me through. And I honestly believe it is my fault too. I shouldn't let him get to me this way.
Most of the time I brush it off and don't let him bring me down. But how many times can you turn the other cheek before you say enough is ENOUGH!!! Its all in my head and I keep thinking about it over and over again, I replay it over and over again.
I don't even know who he is anymore. I wonder if I ever knew him at all? 12 years with someone and you think you would. But I have no idea. I know he is a very selfish and conceited person. Everything is all about "him". Can he not see that we are here? That we need him. We crave love. We need affection.
I don't know what else to do. I can't go on not loving you this way. I don't want to give up. But I wonder why bother? Nothing is ever reciprocated.
OMG this kills. My friends and family know how loving I am and how caring, giving. How much I would help even strangers just for the sake of helping them and making them happy. What is wrong with that. Isn't that what emotions/feelings are for. Doesnt' that make us better people. Sometimes I wonder.
Makes you wonder about your past relationships, you know. You wonder "what if" Granted there are some that YOU KNOW you are glad to be away from! LOL But there are always the few selected ones that you wonder what if.....hmmmmmmmm. A relationship without hate, battle, jealousy. Wow and to feel blessed, respected, trusted, LOVED!
I am sick of having to take the few and far between moments that he is wonderful and having to spread them out for weeks/months until he feels like having a moment again. Life is not worth that! Is it so much too ask that when someone does something for you its only natural to reciprocate?
Cheese and Rice! I can't tell you how many times I pull him slalom skiing and at all hours of the day. From 6am to dark. And do I bitch about having to do it again and again? no! I just go to the boat and drive only to be yelled at time and time again for stupid shit like..."get closer", "why didn't you go there" gee I don't know maybe because there was a EFFING BOAT IN THE WAY! & TUBERS ON THE OTHER SIDE!, "would you put in nuetral"-when it already is! Or when he screams at the kids while they are trying to skii. It is their first year getting up for more than 5 seconds. And he constantly yells at them about how they are not perfect. CHILL you are their Father. It is your job to guide them, to teach them, love them.
It really pisses me off to have male friends in the past that have treated them better than he does sometimes. I can't change the past. I can't help that you hate your life (thats honestly what I think is the problem), your are not happy with you as a person. Only YOU can make it better and if that means leaving me then do it, please! If that is what makes you HAPPY I am happy! Ha! That is what Love does Jon! When you love someone you care enough about them to let them go if needed. And I can be happy with myself knowing that I am not a burden to you.
Sorry all. I am in such a funk again! I just am not a happy camper! Well I have a weekend alone and will give me time to sole search and really think about my life. My journal/blog is getting more in depth as time goes on. But honestly it will give my friend and family a better idea of My Life...by Me! All the things that I normally keep secretly to myself. Especially things like above. Out of fear of people judging me. Well Fuck it!! If they don't like it or me anymore....SEE YA SUCKERS-YOU GOT DA BOOT!
OMG I am tired and I am sure that all the things I am typing are goofy? It is hard to proof,etc with blogger. So sorry! RO has got to go OUT and go to bed! Time to shut the net down, tune phones out, tv out, people out for the night and dream of happy things!
Peace out people-
I read a friends blog and thought about all the things she is going through. I feel for you girl! Mostly because we share so many of the same feelings. Congrats on the new house and I hope you have better days! You will grow from this and learn soooo much about yourself! I know you are having a tough time understanding that right now, its still early. I am thankful for all that I learned when I left Jon before.
And honestly girl all that I have heard for the last year is "I want a D" There I said it, I finally said it to the world. And it frickin kills me to say it!!! well screw it. Divorce me Jon! Cause I don't need you to be happy. I swear I was happier without him!! And I hate myself for putting myself back in the same position I was in years ago. Sometimes I think what the frickin hell was I thinking when I married him. In my head I KNEW what would happen. But in my heart of hearts I wanted to believe that he truly did love me and we would live this wonderful fairytale. And I still hang on to the hope, is that pathetic? I have always loved him. And I will love him for eternity whether I am with or without him.
OMG I remember the day I married him. I was so confused but so in love with him again. We married April 3 of last year.
You see how it was (the confusion)is that I had left Jon and was happy living a life without him. Even after all the horrible things he put me through! I hated him for along time. But after all we had been through I still loved him and always will. But I realized I need to move on with my life. I hadn't dated anyone for a year...to prove to Jon that I didn't need anyone to be happy. And I was so happy. I began spending time with someone special for a few months. I just felt that things were not what I had wanted. Didn't get the feeling that it would be "forever" you know? I wanted someone to LOVE me and say they did. Someone who could make a commitment and be in for the long haul. Don't think that was what the person was searching for. And I couldn't expect him to. Single hot male vs Single hot female mother of 2....hmmm doesn't take a brain scientist to figure that one out. I couldn't pressure anyone to do that if they didn't want it! He deserved more for his life than me. I realized I should move on. After that I had a couple months of alone time to do some thinking again. Soul searching, you know. (I also have to thank my Sorority Sista's for being there for me!!-miss ya'll and can't wait till September when we meet again!)Anyhow...
Then Jon showed up unexpectedly on my doorstep a few days before we married and said he realized what he needed to do, what he was missing, how much he loved us and wanted to be with us and be a family again. He said it would work this time...he promised that and many other things...hmmm to bad he hasn't followed through with the promises. He had said things many times before and I was strong and happy without him. I could say NO. but I believed him again. I said I wouldn't do anything unless he really changed his ways. He did change many things...and proved them...it wasn't alot just things that should have been done before. I didn't ask for much. My biggest issue before was that he refused to marry me before we split up. I always thought that he was waiting for someone better to come along-like effing "J" fucking please I don't know what he sees in her...she is the town effing slut! Oh and lets not forget an alcoholic too! Chees and Rice there is more to life than that!!! But you can have her Jon and trust me you'll be sorry,ROFLOL But whatever! Bottom line is that I jumped into things and maybe I shouldn't have? But I thought can I really "jump" into things with him if I had spent 12 years of my life with him. You know its not like it was I met someone and married him 4 days later. I felt it was ok.
I cried as we said our vows. I cried because I loved him SO FRICKEN much and I cried for the doubt I had. Bitter Sweet! I almost didn't do it. We were so in love for months. Then he started "slipping". The words I love you stopped coming, the sweet little gifts, the kind words, emotions and affection, everything. I began to wonder what had I done this time? Now I am lucky to get any comments that are not projected towards a fight or hurtful things.
He can be so cruel to the Kids and I. It seems like he spends his life hating us. He spends all his time thinking about how can he make more money, how can he be more productive at work, how to build a stronger/better business, building better friendships with OTHERS, hmmm there is alot of ? there, HA you ars. Well is the friggin shit going to be there when he dies. GOD he doesn't realize what he has. We are worthy. We are important. We are loving and caring. We are HIS FAMILY! I wish he could see that life isn't all about money and being better than everyone else. Because what does he think we will say when he dies? Gee I wish he would have worked more. Or man I wish he would have yelled more or told me I was fat more. All the things he does and says. Its all in my head and I think about it over and over again. I can't shake it. All this pain that you put me through. And I honestly believe it is my fault too. I shouldn't let him get to me this way.
Most of the time I brush it off and don't let him bring me down. But how many times can you turn the other cheek before you say enough is ENOUGH!!! Its all in my head and I keep thinking about it over and over again, I replay it over and over again.
I don't even know who he is anymore. I wonder if I ever knew him at all? 12 years with someone and you think you would. But I have no idea. I know he is a very selfish and conceited person. Everything is all about "him". Can he not see that we are here? That we need him. We crave love. We need affection.
I don't know what else to do. I can't go on not loving you this way. I don't want to give up. But I wonder why bother? Nothing is ever reciprocated.
OMG this kills. My friends and family know how loving I am and how caring, giving. How much I would help even strangers just for the sake of helping them and making them happy. What is wrong with that. Isn't that what emotions/feelings are for. Doesnt' that make us better people. Sometimes I wonder.
Makes you wonder about your past relationships, you know. You wonder "what if" Granted there are some that YOU KNOW you are glad to be away from! LOL But there are always the few selected ones that you wonder what if.....hmmmmmmmm. A relationship without hate, battle, jealousy. Wow and to feel blessed, respected, trusted, LOVED!
I am sick of having to take the few and far between moments that he is wonderful and having to spread them out for weeks/months until he feels like having a moment again. Life is not worth that! Is it so much too ask that when someone does something for you its only natural to reciprocate?
Cheese and Rice! I can't tell you how many times I pull him slalom skiing and at all hours of the day. From 6am to dark. And do I bitch about having to do it again and again? no! I just go to the boat and drive only to be yelled at time and time again for stupid shit like..."get closer", "why didn't you go there" gee I don't know maybe because there was a EFFING BOAT IN THE WAY! & TUBERS ON THE OTHER SIDE!, "would you put in nuetral"-when it already is! Or when he screams at the kids while they are trying to skii. It is their first year getting up for more than 5 seconds. And he constantly yells at them about how they are not perfect. CHILL you are their Father. It is your job to guide them, to teach them, love them.
It really pisses me off to have male friends in the past that have treated them better than he does sometimes. I can't change the past. I can't help that you hate your life (thats honestly what I think is the problem), your are not happy with you as a person. Only YOU can make it better and if that means leaving me then do it, please! If that is what makes you HAPPY I am happy! Ha! That is what Love does Jon! When you love someone you care enough about them to let them go if needed. And I can be happy with myself knowing that I am not a burden to you.
Sorry all. I am in such a funk again! I just am not a happy camper! Well I have a weekend alone and will give me time to sole search and really think about my life. My journal/blog is getting more in depth as time goes on. But honestly it will give my friend and family a better idea of My Life...by Me! All the things that I normally keep secretly to myself. Especially things like above. Out of fear of people judging me. Well Fuck it!! If they don't like it or me anymore....SEE YA SUCKERS-YOU GOT DA BOOT!
OMG I am tired and I am sure that all the things I am typing are goofy? It is hard to proof,etc with blogger. So sorry! RO has got to go OUT and go to bed! Time to shut the net down, tune phones out, tv out, people out for the night and dream of happy things!
Peace out people-
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Welcome to the world Madelyn Jane
I am happy to tell you that I am a Aunt again! I could only dream of being a MOM AGAIN! My Sister is sooooo lucky! Here is a LO of Madelyn Jane and I.
The photographer in me is taking over....LOL. I have certain photo shoots already planned out. Just need to buy some things for them. I thought this photo turned out fairly well. Looks much better on 2ps.
Congrats to Mommy & Daddy! She is Beautiful!! Treasure her always for she is a gift from above! She is so precious that she could be an Angel. Life is mysterious. And don't ever forget the following quote by DUH! Me of course....
Sometimes life is
unexpectedly dealt but
its up to you to make the best out
of your hand to fully enjoy lifes pleasures.
Yes it is the same quote I have for the journaling on... http://www.twopeasinabucket.com/pg.asp?cmd=display&layout_id=591772
I love that photo of the "boys". Andrew is so photogenic, ROFLOL even from the backside. I have some new photos of him too...With all the praise you ladies leave me I know you like to see him.
I am so excited to be an Aunt again. I think I may have some jealousy issues with her bigger sister to deal with in the future! Cailey and I are pretty tight. She may have a tough time coping with a baby sister taking some attention away from her? Hard to tell yet. Big sisters are on vacation and will meet her on Saturday. They will be so happy.
I missed the delivery due to frickin work....had to work late and got off about the time she was born...sorry Momma, I tried! I am so glad that Boogie-Teri was there for you though.
Ro out!
Monday, July 04, 2005
Happy 4th of July!!!
Yippeeeee! It has been a great weekend so far! Beautiful weather. Great company. What more could a person ask for? We live at the lake so we thoroughly enjoy it when we have great weather!
We have been skiing, tubing, jet skiing, boating, party barging, floating on rafts and enjoying lots of relaxing moments laying in the sun! Enjoying the great company of Family and Friends.
I hope to get some great photos of Jon my hubby slalom skiing and Mark one of our neighbors who barefoot skis and his wife Bobbi Jo who also slalom skis.
And I just get to be the boat driver since my accident 3yrs ago August. Which I still have many difficulties with my knee. I soooo miss skiing & such!! For those of you who don't know...I had been moving a loaded 2 place jet ski trailer slipped on the wet cement floor in the shop. I slipped and fell onto the floor side ways. As I fell the trailer was thrown up. So when it came back down to the ground it dropped from 6ft in the air with force onto my knee. (Keep in mind that it was the little "V" section of the trailer that landed onto my knee-you know the "V"close to where it hooks onto the ball attached to the vehicle.)The Dr.s couldn't do surgery. They said you can't repair ground hamburger...try to imagine sewing ground up hamburger together to make it a slice of meat again. Doesn't work!!! So I get to be a constant boat driver. Yippeeee-NOT!!! It sucks to be the one who NEVER gets to enjoy a ride or two!
Was at the neighbors cabin last night till like midnight. They & a couple friends were making the coolest friggin things I have seen! They took many different sizes of rhubarb leaves, vinyl cement,sand mounds and tubing to create these one of a kind moldings of the leaves. They are going to use them for numerous things like...bird baths, fountains, water features, ashtrays, garden stones, etc. What ever their little hearts desire. They had a few already done. Painted and on copper poles posted into one of their flower gardens...it looked so friggin awesome! Reminded me of Anne Geddes photos of babies and flower pots, cabbage leaves, flowers,etc. You would have to see it to understand how cool. Maybe she will let me take a pic and show you? We'll see!
Working on a couple of scrappin things. Trying to find the motivation to do a couple of page calls. As well as trying to find some inspiration to work with the Trendsetter project #4. It is really neat stuff but nothing I have ever worked with before. I have made a couple of sample things for the Dow Company but have not posted them because they are not to my liking.
Well I need to get busy and I hope you all have an enjoyable 4th of July...stay safe! Neighbor saw someone at 10:30am 4-3-05 getting a field sobriety test. Can you believe that? Be careful all!!
Ro out!
Yippeeeee! It has been a great weekend so far! Beautiful weather. Great company. What more could a person ask for? We live at the lake so we thoroughly enjoy it when we have great weather!
We have been skiing, tubing, jet skiing, boating, party barging, floating on rafts and enjoying lots of relaxing moments laying in the sun! Enjoying the great company of Family and Friends.
I hope to get some great photos of Jon my hubby slalom skiing and Mark one of our neighbors who barefoot skis and his wife Bobbi Jo who also slalom skis.
And I just get to be the boat driver since my accident 3yrs ago August. Which I still have many difficulties with my knee. I soooo miss skiing & such!! For those of you who don't know...I had been moving a loaded 2 place jet ski trailer slipped on the wet cement floor in the shop. I slipped and fell onto the floor side ways. As I fell the trailer was thrown up. So when it came back down to the ground it dropped from 6ft in the air with force onto my knee. (Keep in mind that it was the little "V" section of the trailer that landed onto my knee-you know the "V"close to where it hooks onto the ball attached to the vehicle.)The Dr.s couldn't do surgery. They said you can't repair ground hamburger...try to imagine sewing ground up hamburger together to make it a slice of meat again. Doesn't work!!! So I get to be a constant boat driver. Yippeeee-NOT!!! It sucks to be the one who NEVER gets to enjoy a ride or two!
Was at the neighbors cabin last night till like midnight. They & a couple friends were making the coolest friggin things I have seen! They took many different sizes of rhubarb leaves, vinyl cement,sand mounds and tubing to create these one of a kind moldings of the leaves. They are going to use them for numerous things like...bird baths, fountains, water features, ashtrays, garden stones, etc. What ever their little hearts desire. They had a few already done. Painted and on copper poles posted into one of their flower gardens...it looked so friggin awesome! Reminded me of Anne Geddes photos of babies and flower pots, cabbage leaves, flowers,etc. You would have to see it to understand how cool. Maybe she will let me take a pic and show you? We'll see!
Working on a couple of scrappin things. Trying to find the motivation to do a couple of page calls. As well as trying to find some inspiration to work with the Trendsetter project #4. It is really neat stuff but nothing I have ever worked with before. I have made a couple of sample things for the Dow Company but have not posted them because they are not to my liking.
Well I need to get busy and I hope you all have an enjoyable 4th of July...stay safe! Neighbor saw someone at 10:30am 4-3-05 getting a field sobriety test. Can you believe that? Be careful all!!
Ro out!
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