Check out the podcast at this link:

http://melodyross.hipcast.com/deluge/863bfb4c-3460-ad98-9475-e60aebbd1bb6.mp3

Another morning home. It was nice to be able to sleep in until 7. Once again someone changed my name on the schedule and replaced it with theres. The person got a few choice words...but in the end I took it off any how because I have been feeling like crap.

I have had a migraine for 2days and of course I woke up with it again today. May have to go in for a shot. Nothing seems to be taking it away or even the reducing it. Stress is usually the cause of them for me. Then of couse the ulcers act up too. WTF. I am to blame. I let way too many things upset me.

When I start working out again I will not get near as many. I eliminate most of my stress by working out. I can't wait for Any time fitness to be open in town. I will be a regular :) and hopefully get in shape again. Once I am back in shape I will feel better physically and mentally.

Finally a break through...just talked to "x aka Veni, Vidi, Vici" and we are heading out of town for the day..hopefully tomorrow. I can feel some relief already, ahhhh! Chica I will call you tonight after work to let you know what I found out. Ohh playmakers has some stuff going on this wkd..well when don't they...any how...we could go there after the movie. Oh that one show with Adam Sandler and the guy from king of queens is showing. Not sure of the name but it's where they are acting as a gay couple, kwim? Anything with adam is funny. And we both know how we need a good laugh :) Hey check out the just for laughs on the right side. should put a smile on your face. PS we must go to Abercrombie, Gap, American Eagle, HL Ooo and Scrapnook or Kay's scrap store cause I need a few things scrap related.

Besides CHA stuff should be showing up soon!!!! With the closing of our scrap business I will start shopping again :) kwim? It is bitter sweet. Sweet because I have already noticed the amount of time that I will start to have as "free" time again, time with my family, etc and I will be able to start scrapping again. Bad cause now I will have to start paying full price for stuff, eek. That will be a shocker!

But I did say that starting in August I will be eliminating things, work, business, events, people any and all things that have been causing me stress. I have to start living life for me and my boys again. Not living for everyone else.

My problem is that I have too big of a heart. I hate to tell peeps NO. I will help others even if it sets me back. I like to make peeps happy because it makes me happy. Many more. But I am really suffering because of it and the stress of my DA and God only knows what he has gotten him self...or US (meaning the boys and I) into? I swear he is out for himself and that's it..and doesn't care that his bad decisions cause pain and suffering on US. Maybe he doesn't get it? Maybe that is part of his mental disorder I think he has,LOL!

Well I am off to figure out how to put my music playlist on this dang thing. Catch ya later

Once again I am awake when I should be sleeping. I have been up since about 3am. My stomach is killing me. I didn't eat much yesterday cause most foods are upsetting. The stress is just unbearable at times. I have headaches/migraines...one right now, ulcers and am aging more than I should and it is all from the stress in my life.

I have got to get rid of the stress before it kills me! It doesn't help that I am a person who tends to worry all the time. To the point that I get sick..got that from my grandmother.

Miami is sounding like the place we want to be! I am sure the boys will love living there. And the only thing to say is....WHEN do we leave! Oh ya there is a DA stopping me...but that can be fixed. Just not easy even if I take the easy way out. But once we move there at least I will have family there :)

I am so tired!! I want to sleep. Why can't I just tell my brain to go to sleep. I hate it. This morning (3am) I was awaken by the dang dog falling off the back of the couch onto my chest with a thump. After I got her situated I rolled over to go back to sleep. As I closed my eyes I immediately thought of the day before and all the things that took place and I felt a sense of rage. How dare he put us in harms way. I know you don't know what I am talking about. I don't know what the eff is going on either I just know that where BJs name is involved it is NOT ever good. Gosh who did I ever think I was? His wife. Someone who should know everything about him? OMG! What a tard! I have a H and I don't know who he is. I know very little about him. I know he loves to ski, snowmobile and leave us all the time. That is it!! And I hate not knowing what the heck is going on when it has everything to do with our children and my self. It may not be directed toward us but it will affect us...as it always does.

delete........too effed up.

OMG what a hectic morning so far. I went to bed after my entry. But of course a gazillion and one things were on my mind and I couldn't sleep. So it was prolly 2hrs later when I finally fell asleep. Then up at 4:35 and couldn't go back to sleep. Finally got out of bed at 5am and started cleaning the house.

I took TJ to work. ...Left at 7:15 and it was already 77degrees outside. Can you believe it. So muggy, etc. Yuck!

I just finished all of the house chores. Jess Man mowed the lawn for 2.5hrs. Now I must get the sprinkler going before the sun comes out. I have about 3 loads of laundry to do...seems as though the 3 boys of the house waited until after I thought I was done cleaning to bring me their laundry, argh. Then DH or DA as I call him...wants me to iron pants and a shirt for him, ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!! I don't think so. If he had asked or even helped out with things today.. I may have considered it. But his mouth, attitude, rudeness, and just plain old disrespect towards me and our children has me so hurt. And there is only one thing I want! A vacation and I won't go to dallas, kwim.

The house looks amazing...and smells even better. I love a clean house!!! Too bad for me that I live under the same roof with a slob who feels it is my duty to him to clean up after him. Didn't you know I married a God, lol. Ya.

Sorry for all the attitude lately but I am so fed up with crap. I have to let some of it out some where...OMG I am so filled with it my eyes turned brown,LOL!

I am still not finished with the other entry that is to go with the music over there---------> love me or hate me. Sorry! Been busy YK.


Oooooo I checked out a few blogs early this am and Christy T was pimping her sista/sil. She designed some awesome felt embellies!! I went to her store site and bought some. I can't wait for them to show up. Thanks Christy!!! You rock! Not sure what the deal with some of the blogs though....they won't let me comment even though I am logged in. They just keep refreshing the pages. You know like I keep hitting "f5" but I am not. Not all sites just a few. Who knows!

OMG I am so stoked about seeing the girls!!! My little MJ is going to come running full force for some sug, sug. (sugar) I love her hugs and kisses. She is so beautiful. The perfect little girl. Heather knows I wish she were my little girl...the little girl I have always dreamed of having but can never have. Well unless I met, fell in love with, and married another person and adopted. Because God had other intentions for me and my own body. But that is ok because at least I am alive and living a life with my boys! Much more than I can say for how close to death I once was. Thank God for GOOD DR's!

Man does that bring back some terrible memories!! But I know I learned a lot while I was in hell (7 surgeries in 9mo along with treatment and many dr visits) I will say that while my many, many visits to Roger Marris Cancer Center I saw many people come and go. Young and old. The one that stands out the most was a little 4yr old girl. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about her. She had the most amazing spirit. She was always happy. Always had a smile on her face. And trust me these peeps go through MANY days feeling like crap!!!! She was the most beautiful bald headed girl in the world! She had these amazing blue eyes that just had so much love in them.

Till this day I never found out if she went into remission or not? If she is alive or dead? But one thing I do know is that when she was there she lifted the heavy spirits of everyone there. I would sit in my lounge chair worrying about whether I was going to feel well enough to drive my self home (1.5hrs home) after. I would arrive at about 10 am and wouldn't leave until about 6 or 7pm. So it was hard for someone to take a full day off from work to drive me. And ended up driving my self most of the time. As I lay there stressing out...I would hear her purky little voice coming in I would purk up a bit. she always cheered me up. And all it took was her smiling face and simple little HI in her cute little voice. It was amazing that she was the youngest one there and the happiest one too. Most everyone else had a TERRIBLE attitude. And I am a firm believer that bad attitude doesn't cure you...only makes it worse.

YOUR THOUGHTS BECOME YOUR LIFE...
1) Ask
2) Believe
3) Receive

Believe you will get well and be healthy and it will happen....take my DH for instance. When he got Guillain-Barre Syndrome...they said he can't walk, talk, feed himself and every other normal thing for who knows how long. He wouldn't believe it. He was determined he would fully recover in weeks not months/years like dr's said. He did. 3 wks later he left the rehab floor and headed home...lots of help from me. But did a 95% turn around that amazed the dr's.

Anyhow after all the babbling I need to get my badonka donk out of here! Heather and the girls already called 2x...are you coming yet they said! LOL! Later~

OMG I actually scrapped today!!! I honestly feel SO good. It was great. I had some mojo and some free time.

Heather and the girls are going to be around tomorrow. I have the day off surprisingly. So we will get chores done in the morning before it hits 80 we hope. Then head to the beach to meet her and Carol along with both of their kids. Will be fun.

I miss the girls so much! I hate that they are gone to their Fathers for the summer. It's great they get to spend time with them but then we don't get to see them :(

I am so tired. It was another busy day at work. Of course. I am stressed about some things that are just really getting to me. DH is a total effer. Some schtuff going on tomorrow that is serious but I know nothing. And it is not my business to know he says, Ya F you! That's ok I am only your WIFE! What ever. D that's all I gotta say! Can't be soon enough. I am sure I can read the wed paper to find out. Pathetic I can't find out from my own husband. And that his ex-fling I am sure knows everything....not too sure it is his EX if you KWIM?!?!?! WTF. Other wise..oh forget it! It's a waste of my air!!!!!

Maybe I should just move away. My kids would love to move to Europe they said. That would be awesome!!

OH GREAT guess who just pulled in the drive way, ugh! Don't want to deal with his sorry ass tonight. enter many cuss words!!! I don't have anything nice to say about the man right now. Guess I better go to bed so I don't have to deal with him....

I'll update again tomorrow...I have another entry partially done just need to upload photos to slide.com and finish the end of it.

Ciao

Well the day is finally over for me...and another one is just beginning, ugh!! Insert a huge sigh here...! It is now 12:39 AM. That's right it is now the 20th of July. I am beat. But lots of things on my mind and am not tired enough for bed. Ever happen to you?

I got my netflix movie in the mail...A night at the museum. Interesting. It was cute. I forgot what I have in que though?! Hmm will find out when it comes! I know, I know...I watched a movie...your as shocked as I am!! I got home around 10:30 from work and the boys were excited to hear me say you can stay up and watch it with me. I absolutely loved sitting with them and enjoying the movie. We laughed and had silly comments etc. It was PERFECT!!!! I miss spending time with them.

And it was hard to believe that my sweet little Twinkle Toes left me and my blanket alone the entire movie. I commented on it and Jesse said oh that's because she got into the garbage and she put her self on kennel time out,LOL!!! Honestly! Star is a hoot. She knows when she is doing wrong and you can always tell when she is too. She has her tail down and ears back with her head hanging low and she will NOT make eye contact with you. She knows she wil be scolded and told she is on a kennel time out..and off she must go.

The play time in the water this afternoon was fun...we ran the nautique out of gas. Well close enough...the line was below the E mark, hehehe! DH will be pissed when he sees it...but it was SO worth it. I will upload some photos later if I have time...I am getting tired. Sleepy tired. I brought the camera in hopes of taking photos...ya that's a bit difficult when your the boat driver,LOL. So the photos are ones that the kids took and I have some major editing to do on them. You can tell which ones they took....they will be the ones of the kids in the tube...with the water spraying...and I know they got a few on shore area too...I heard the camera clicking away when I was on the floating device..not sure what it is but it's my fave floater :) Will have to finish uploading the pics while I am in the shower in a few hours. Or maybe now and they can upload while I sleep, hehe!

For now I will leave you with a photo of the beautiful sign our neighbor two doors down from cabin made to greet everyone passing by. He is so nice. It's just so sweet of him to think of all the little kids walking by, riding bikes and 4wheelers past. Or the little old lady down the circle...maybe giving her a heart attack. Matt, Ken and Jesse were in Matt's car ahead of me and they stopped in the middle of the corner and were pointing in the direction of the sign. Or so I thought...but they were really pointing to picture #2 that was behind the trees the sign was in front of, LOL. But Jon, Luke and I thought they were showing us the sign. Amazing what kind of questions came after that!!

What a crazy man he is...this is the same freak who used to peep in my windows all the time. Have a telescope and binaculars watching me from his house. Then when we moved to the new place he started to watch the neighbor girls and their mother. He used to follow me. I would go out for a early morning run and he would just show up around the corner or something freaky and tell me all kinds of crazy stories about people trying to attack him and that he carried a screw driver in his back pocket so that he can kill them if they ever came after him...OMG!!!!! WTF!!! He is a freak! No one has seen his old mother in over 1.5yrs..I have wondered if he killed her and she is packed in his freezer or something?! Ahhh!! WE stay VERY clear of him!!!!!!! Check out the photos though it is too funny! Oh BTW this is NOT the level 3 sex offender...of which YES he is back and I have been getting the stare downs as I drive past...OMG he looks so freaky!!!

OMG it is a few minutes before 2AM. I have had my mind on somethings and keep getting distracted....edit photos...think...type a few things here...distraction..getting the picture?! And 1.5hrs has passed, ugh. Where is my Prince? I thought I was going to be rescued from my stone tower. Sleeping no doubt where I must be going.....I am sure my babbling has made you sleepy too!!! Night. Or good morning. How ever you want to take it?

I am happy to say that I have had a lazy morning! I have not accomplished any thing in particular that I can think of. Feels great to do nothing at all!!

It is a great change from what it's been lately. But won't be for long. I pull a double shift tomorrow and have truancy work for about an hour in between the two shifts. So I will leave the house at 6:15am and will not arrive back home until probably 10:30PM. It will be a LONG ASS day!! So I don't feel guilty for being lazy today!

I lurked through 2ps photography gallery to get some tips on my upcoming senior photo shoots. Wow there is some effen talent there! I am also trying to come up with some ideas for a family photo shoot. The shoot will be my sista and her 4 beautiful girls. I usually take their shots around end of july...and hard to believe that it is almost here.

I hope to have more time on my hands in August?! I only have one day of court for truancy and one truancy meeting at end of August. OMG it will be SO very nice to not have to stress about that too. I have found my self saying "I can't wait for school to start" . I know beginning in November I will have only one job and hopefully NO committments of any sort any where. So I will be able to have time to scrap and focus more on photography!!!! I can't wait. I so need some major scrap therapy.

Eliminating several things has been a tough decision but it is necessary if I want to be happy. If I want to become healthy again. I want me back. I want my family back...my kids are so needing me. I need them. I hate that I have been working so much and have not been there for them like a mother should. I hate that todays mothers must be Wonder Woman!! I am not kidding. You MUST be infallible. Where the hell are the real men? OK so here is the thing women today must be the Mother. The Maid. The mediatior. Then go out and work a full time job...some more than one job. Taxi driver. Sports mother. Grounds keeper. Gardener. FRICK I could go on and on!!!!!! Well where the HELL is the MOTHERS time? How do women do it? The balancing act of a working mother.

It has been 2mos since I scrapped. I am afraid to tell you that I have lost my mojo. I lost if for numerous reasons.......
One, I lost my focus on why I began scrapbooking in the first place (my kids, family, friends and I loved it)
Second, it became a job. I began having to scrap for others to fit their magazine calls, or for magazine editors who wanted specific items, or having to create things for a new kit, contests...ya many of my creations have won but do you think my future generation will care that I won $, products, or designer spots because of the LO I created for them which really wasn't created for them and was just a creation to fulfill the demands kwim...or for everything other than me and my family.
Third, I began to stress out about what I was scrapping. The photos were no longer good enough...you know the ones..just the regular snapshots that millions around the world have. They became shots I hated..honestly disgusted me and could NOT scrap them. They had to have more meaning..better quality..more focus...tell a story with just the photo. I blame my photography skills improving..LOL!!
Fourth, are you seeing the big picture here? Basically scrapbooking does nothing but stress me out for the past 6mo and I am fed up with it. I have to eliminate some things in my life in order to get back on track in many areas of my life...not just scrapbooking!

Part of my honesty thing I posted yesterday was about the above mentioned along with many other things like my relationship with my DH or lack thereof. There isn't one. Nor has there been one in a very long time. I can't live this way much longer. I need to move on to the next chapter in my life..no matter what that may be. I have never been an equal to him nor will I ever be. He lives a bachelor life. I live the working mother life trying to be the mother and father, the enforcer, the advisor, the every thing! He has a life that I know nothing of. And he is happy that way.

I may not have the best family in the world or the family I would have chosen if allowed. But you know what I LOVE THEM. Each and everyone. I love them for them. Faults. Perfections. What ever it may be. But I love them unconditionally without boundaries. I have lost many friends because of him. He didn't like them so I wasnt' allowed to be friends with them. For years I allowed it. Now I simply ignore his demands. Or fight for my rights.

I am a very strong person and can't believe that I have allowed my life to be controlled for years. But love is blind. I do love him. I still can't believe that I do. He has never been my ideal mate. Let alone a soul mate. I have never been physically attracted to him. I have never thought that he was attractive. I met him at a very rough time in my life and I fell in love with his heart. I have always been attracted to the caring loving person that I fell in love with. But for him I was a challange. I was WAY out of his league and he knew it. So I became a challange to see if he could win. He used to say he was playing for keeps. Well I was wrong..he was wrong....gotta move on or this could be years of typing!!!

I also talked about religion. How I have lost my faith to some extent. I endured a horrific (to me) experience with one of my pastors and have not gone to church since the incidents. It kills me. I still believe in God. I wanted to become a member at another church but I think that my Grandmother will have a cow if I do that or so she says, ugh! Lots more on this in my mind, oy vey!!

Gotta run my nephews just arrived. I am taking them and the boys to the cabin for a couple hours before I head to work for the evening! Man they have grown. jr, sophmore and 7th graders this year...wow.

OK gotta run 5 boys are getting rowdy!

Later........hugs!

Sorry I thought I could post this very honest feelings...but I can't just yet. So for now it is edited OFF!

In loving memory of WaylanK. He died June 28, 2007 at the age of 36. He is the husband of an old friend I grew up with DianeCumber(K).

He died in a small plane crash in MO. There were no survivors. The plane had only been off the ground for less than 20 minutes his wife said. They have been given no answers as to what happened or why it crashed. Why she is a widow. Why their 3 children will grow up without their father.

She said he was there attending a conference and that the day before was their wedding Anniversary. His birthday was two days later. Here is a link to the MO local news http://www.komu.com/satellite/SatelliteRender/KOMU.com/ba8a4513-c0a8-2f11-0063-9bd94c70b769/74604781-c0a8-2f11-01b2-af7b42652910

http://www.komu.com/satellite/SatelliteRender/KOMU.com/ba8a4513-c0a8-2f11-0063-9bd94c70b769/73110d35-c0a8-2f11-01eb-e8a3e57c9c3c video coverage about 2.5hrs after crash.

I don't know how much more she can handle. Her father past away about 2 yrs ago. She was an only child. Her mother has remarried. Great, right. NO. He is a weirdo. I get VERY weird vibes from him. And I can usually get a GOOD sense of people. I have worked with him once before on a case. She gets the same vibes. So she doesn't come home anymore.

So here she is a widow....needing her mother who has gone through the same thing and she is alone..........Di my HEART goes out ot you...through these tears I am crying for you...we love you, we pray for you, we wish you the best!

I got an unexpected day off on saturday. Some devilish person erased my name from the schedule and replaced it with hers. LOL...if she only knew I REALLY needed a day off! She could have asked me to give her the shift, duh!

Any how I spent pretty much the entire day at the cabin. It was MJ's 2nd Birthday so I invited Heather and the girls/anthony to come over and play in the water with us. I was going to attempt blowing up the water trampoline and putting it in...but that was going to be TOO much work so we axed it.

I had such a blast. The relaxation was exactly what I needed. It's been a rough past 5-6 wks. I even got up on the skiis! It felt so good! I got up 2x and went around the lake 2.5x each time. I was amazed my knee handled it without any pain etc.

My mind was at ease for the entire day. It was so peaceful and refreshing. Totally rejuventated me!! I was SO happy! Minus the major bites I was getting from the deer flies? I had huge welts...check out the photo of me...you can see the huge scratch marks and welt on my upper thigh.

I was on the lake until 10:15 or so that night. 12hrs of sun, water, relaxation, picnic, fun, laughs & visiting...what more can you ask for? A few more friends to join you duh!

Friday night after pulling a double shift I met my dearest friend mary, mary quite contrary...at a local grill & bar for a drink. She stood me up for the past 2wks (fell asleep by 9:30) and I finally made her pinky swear she would be there! And she was. I think she finally realized how BAD I needed some one on one alone time with her. She is my bestest friend. Someone I can confide in. Tell my secrets. Well most of them..still many things I would never tell anyone. I know a few of you lurkers know what I am talking about but I will not ever burden you all with it! I must keep this load my self. Some bad things are better left unsaid. KWIM. I have learned the hard way...that some peeps you love or think love you will use your secrets to hurt you even more than the damage one has already inflicted upon you.

She has helped me through so many good and bad times in my life and I the same for her. Through deaths, births, husbands, children and all that those things have brought to our lives. And much, much more! I think she is the one I am most honest with. The most I am open with about my life. The hard times. The heart aches. The happiness. The sadness. The joys. The hopes and dreams. I love you chica :) You are my rock.

We laughed and cried. Bitched and praised. Loved and hated our conversation. Enlightened and brought fears into our minds. Confirmation on some things I will need for the new chapter in my life. Eye opening and brutally honest friendship. But all in a good way...to build each other up and make us stronger with an open mind.

I know this entry is all mambo jambo...but I have tons racing in my head and only a short amount of time. I have to get ready for work. Hope all is well with you.

Boogie...sorry I didn't get back to you. You know I love you so much! I miss you! I miss us! I miss our chats! I miss shopping with you. I pray you for good health and happiness for you. I so wish you lived closer. What are we going to do when you move to crookston, damn girl. I will never see you all!!!! Ugh! We MUST have a girlz wkd before!!! I am thinking vegas....ahhh! I will introduce you to Tim, ROFLOL!

The Chad and My Daily Flirt...I think you two owe me a little summn, summn! LOL!! I will say I am very curious to know about what your investigation discovered. I am thinking I already know what was found. I have an inside source to some of it. Who will remain nameless. Lets just say it's nice to have friends in high places. KWIM.

Giving a shout out to a few of my peeps....Sally...hope your feeling better...and hopefully your preggo;) hehehehe!!...V..baby girl I miss you...I hope you heel soon and get back to a good healthy life...and dang you are going to look so HOT...I am jealous...we need to chat about well...you know what...yeah its bad..I need to find my way....Boogie...I lub you chica...I miss you all so much...sorry I missed ur call...I so wish you all lived closer...I hope all is well for you..man what am I going to do when you move to crookston, ackkkkk....Blondie...where are you?....Dayami....how are you chica? Hows NC....Miami isn't the same w/o Dayami is it!...Miss chattin....ya you know what,lol. DT...wassup...thanks ladies...Mary, Mary quite contrary ya you know I still love you even after you stood me up 2 nites in a row...BFF...see you tuesday nite