Its all in my head....I think about it over and over again.

I read a friends blog and thought about all the things she is going through. I feel for you girl! Mostly because we share so many of the same feelings. Congrats on the new house and I hope you have better days! You will grow from this and learn soooo much about yourself! I know you are having a tough time understanding that right now, its still early. I am thankful for all that I learned when I left Jon before.
And honestly girl all that I have heard for the last year is "I want a D" There I said it, I finally said it to the world. And it frickin kills me to say it!!! well screw it. Divorce me Jon! Cause I don't need you to be happy. I swear I was happier without him!! And I hate myself for putting myself back in the same position I was in years ago. Sometimes I think what the frickin hell was I thinking when I married him. In my head I KNEW what would happen. But in my heart of hearts I wanted to believe that he truly did love me and we would live this wonderful fairytale. And I still hang on to the hope, is that pathetic? I have always loved him. And I will love him for eternity whether I am with or without him.
OMG I remember the day I married him. I was so confused but so in love with him again. We married April 3 of last year.
You see how it was (the confusion)is that I had left Jon and was happy living a life without him. Even after all the horrible things he put me through! I hated him for along time. But after all we had been through I still loved him and always will. But I realized I need to move on with my life. I hadn't dated anyone for a year...to prove to Jon that I didn't need anyone to be happy. And I was so happy. I began spending time with someone special for a few months. I just felt that things were not what I had wanted. Didn't get the feeling that it would be "forever" you know? I wanted someone to LOVE me and say they did. Someone who could make a commitment and be in for the long haul. Don't think that was what the person was searching for. And I couldn't expect him to. Single hot male vs Single hot female mother of 2....hmmm doesn't take a brain scientist to figure that one out. I couldn't pressure anyone to do that if they didn't want it! He deserved more for his life than me. I realized I should move on. After that I had a couple months of alone time to do some thinking again. Soul searching, you know. (I also have to thank my Sorority Sista's for being there for me!!-miss ya'll and can't wait till September when we meet again!)Anyhow...
Then Jon showed up unexpectedly on my doorstep a few days before we married and said he realized what he needed to do, what he was missing, how much he loved us and wanted to be with us and be a family again. He said it would work this time...he promised that and many other things...hmmm to bad he hasn't followed through with the promises. He had said things many times before and I was strong and happy without him. I could say NO. but I believed him again. I said I wouldn't do anything unless he really changed his ways. He did change many things...and proved them...it wasn't alot just things that should have been done before. I didn't ask for much. My biggest issue before was that he refused to marry me before we split up. I always thought that he was waiting for someone better to come along-like effing "J" fucking please I don't know what he sees in her...she is the town effing slut! Oh and lets not forget an alcoholic too! Chees and Rice there is more to life than that!!! But you can have her Jon and trust me you'll be sorry,ROFLOL But whatever! Bottom line is that I jumped into things and maybe I shouldn't have? But I thought can I really "jump" into things with him if I had spent 12 years of my life with him. You know its not like it was I met someone and married him 4 days later. I felt it was ok.
I cried as we said our vows. I cried because I loved him SO FRICKEN much and I cried for the doubt I had. Bitter Sweet! I almost didn't do it. We were so in love for months. Then he started "slipping". The words I love you stopped coming, the sweet little gifts, the kind words, emotions and affection, everything. I began to wonder what had I done this time? Now I am lucky to get any comments that are not projected towards a fight or hurtful things.
He can be so cruel to the Kids and I. It seems like he spends his life hating us. He spends all his time thinking about how can he make more money, how can he be more productive at work, how to build a stronger/better business, building better friendships with OTHERS, hmmm there is alot of ? there, HA you ars. Well is the friggin shit going to be there when he dies. GOD he doesn't realize what he has. We are worthy. We are important. We are loving and caring. We are HIS FAMILY! I wish he could see that life isn't all about money and being better than everyone else. Because what does he think we will say when he dies? Gee I wish he would have worked more. Or man I wish he would have yelled more or told me I was fat more. All the things he does and says. Its all in my head and I think about it over and over again. I can't shake it. All this pain that you put me through. And I honestly believe it is my fault too. I shouldn't let him get to me this way.
Most of the time I brush it off and don't let him bring me down. But how many times can you turn the other cheek before you say enough is ENOUGH!!! Its all in my head and I keep thinking about it over and over again, I replay it over and over again.

I don't even know who he is anymore. I wonder if I ever knew him at all? 12 years with someone and you think you would. But I have no idea. I know he is a very selfish and conceited person. Everything is all about "him". Can he not see that we are here? That we need him. We crave love. We need affection.
I don't know what else to do. I can't go on not loving you this way. I don't want to give up. But I wonder why bother? Nothing is ever reciprocated.
OMG this kills. My friends and family know how loving I am and how caring, giving. How much I would help even strangers just for the sake of helping them and making them happy. What is wrong with that. Isn't that what emotions/feelings are for. Doesnt' that make us better people. Sometimes I wonder.

Makes you wonder about your past relationships, you know. You wonder "what if" Granted there are some that YOU KNOW you are glad to be away from! LOL But there are always the few selected ones that you wonder what if.....hmmmmmmmm. A relationship without hate, battle, jealousy. Wow and to feel blessed, respected, trusted, LOVED!
I am sick of having to take the few and far between moments that he is wonderful and having to spread them out for weeks/months until he feels like having a moment again. Life is not worth that! Is it so much too ask that when someone does something for you its only natural to reciprocate?
Cheese and Rice! I can't tell you how many times I pull him slalom skiing and at all hours of the day. From 6am to dark. And do I bitch about having to do it again and again? no! I just go to the boat and drive only to be yelled at time and time again for stupid shit like..."get closer", "why didn't you go there" gee I don't know maybe because there was a EFFING BOAT IN THE WAY! & TUBERS ON THE OTHER SIDE!, "would you put in nuetral"-when it already is! Or when he screams at the kids while they are trying to skii. It is their first year getting up for more than 5 seconds. And he constantly yells at them about how they are not perfect. CHILL you are their Father. It is your job to guide them, to teach them, love them.
It really pisses me off to have male friends in the past that have treated them better than he does sometimes. I can't change the past. I can't help that you hate your life (thats honestly what I think is the problem), your are not happy with you as a person. Only YOU can make it better and if that means leaving me then do it, please! If that is what makes you HAPPY I am happy! Ha! That is what Love does Jon! When you love someone you care enough about them to let them go if needed. And I can be happy with myself knowing that I am not a burden to you.
Sorry all. I am in such a funk again! I just am not a happy camper! Well I have a weekend alone and will give me time to sole search and really think about my life. My journal/blog is getting more in depth as time goes on. But honestly it will give my friend and family a better idea of My Life...by Me! All the things that I normally keep secretly to myself. Especially things like above. Out of fear of people judging me. Well Fuck it!! If they don't like it or me anymore....SEE YA SUCKERS-YOU GOT DA BOOT!

OMG I am tired and I am sure that all the things I am typing are goofy? It is hard to proof,etc with blogger. So sorry! RO has got to go OUT and go to bed! Time to shut the net down, tune phones out, tv out, people out for the night and dream of happy things!

Peace out people-