I am happy to say that I have had a lazy morning! I have not accomplished any thing in particular that I can think of. Feels great to do nothing at all!!

It is a great change from what it's been lately. But won't be for long. I pull a double shift tomorrow and have truancy work for about an hour in between the two shifts. So I will leave the house at 6:15am and will not arrive back home until probably 10:30PM. It will be a LONG ASS day!! So I don't feel guilty for being lazy today!

I lurked through 2ps photography gallery to get some tips on my upcoming senior photo shoots. Wow there is some effen talent there! I am also trying to come up with some ideas for a family photo shoot. The shoot will be my sista and her 4 beautiful girls. I usually take their shots around end of july...and hard to believe that it is almost here.

I hope to have more time on my hands in August?! I only have one day of court for truancy and one truancy meeting at end of August. OMG it will be SO very nice to not have to stress about that too. I have found my self saying "I can't wait for school to start" . I know beginning in November I will have only one job and hopefully NO committments of any sort any where. So I will be able to have time to scrap and focus more on photography!!!! I can't wait. I so need some major scrap therapy.

Eliminating several things has been a tough decision but it is necessary if I want to be happy. If I want to become healthy again. I want me back. I want my family back...my kids are so needing me. I need them. I hate that I have been working so much and have not been there for them like a mother should. I hate that todays mothers must be Wonder Woman!! I am not kidding. You MUST be infallible. Where the hell are the real men? OK so here is the thing women today must be the Mother. The Maid. The mediatior. Then go out and work a full time job...some more than one job. Taxi driver. Sports mother. Grounds keeper. Gardener. FRICK I could go on and on!!!!!! Well where the HELL is the MOTHERS time? How do women do it? The balancing act of a working mother.

It has been 2mos since I scrapped. I am afraid to tell you that I have lost my mojo. I lost if for numerous reasons.......
One, I lost my focus on why I began scrapbooking in the first place (my kids, family, friends and I loved it)
Second, it became a job. I began having to scrap for others to fit their magazine calls, or for magazine editors who wanted specific items, or having to create things for a new kit, contests...ya many of my creations have won but do you think my future generation will care that I won $, products, or designer spots because of the LO I created for them which really wasn't created for them and was just a creation to fulfill the demands kwim...or for everything other than me and my family.
Third, I began to stress out about what I was scrapping. The photos were no longer good enough...you know the ones..just the regular snapshots that millions around the world have. They became shots I hated..honestly disgusted me and could NOT scrap them. They had to have more meaning..better quality..more focus...tell a story with just the photo. I blame my photography skills improving..LOL!!
Fourth, are you seeing the big picture here? Basically scrapbooking does nothing but stress me out for the past 6mo and I am fed up with it. I have to eliminate some things in my life in order to get back on track in many areas of my life...not just scrapbooking!

Part of my honesty thing I posted yesterday was about the above mentioned along with many other things like my relationship with my DH or lack thereof. There isn't one. Nor has there been one in a very long time. I can't live this way much longer. I need to move on to the next chapter in my life..no matter what that may be. I have never been an equal to him nor will I ever be. He lives a bachelor life. I live the working mother life trying to be the mother and father, the enforcer, the advisor, the every thing! He has a life that I know nothing of. And he is happy that way.

I may not have the best family in the world or the family I would have chosen if allowed. But you know what I LOVE THEM. Each and everyone. I love them for them. Faults. Perfections. What ever it may be. But I love them unconditionally without boundaries. I have lost many friends because of him. He didn't like them so I wasnt' allowed to be friends with them. For years I allowed it. Now I simply ignore his demands. Or fight for my rights.

I am a very strong person and can't believe that I have allowed my life to be controlled for years. But love is blind. I do love him. I still can't believe that I do. He has never been my ideal mate. Let alone a soul mate. I have never been physically attracted to him. I have never thought that he was attractive. I met him at a very rough time in my life and I fell in love with his heart. I have always been attracted to the caring loving person that I fell in love with. But for him I was a challange. I was WAY out of his league and he knew it. So I became a challange to see if he could win. He used to say he was playing for keeps. Well I was wrong..he was wrong....gotta move on or this could be years of typing!!!

I also talked about religion. How I have lost my faith to some extent. I endured a horrific (to me) experience with one of my pastors and have not gone to church since the incidents. It kills me. I still believe in God. I wanted to become a member at another church but I think that my Grandmother will have a cow if I do that or so she says, ugh! Lots more on this in my mind, oy vey!!

Gotta run my nephews just arrived. I am taking them and the boys to the cabin for a couple hours before I head to work for the evening! Man they have grown. jr, sophmore and 7th graders this year...wow.

OK gotta run 5 boys are getting rowdy!

Later........hugs!